i have this trend of getting burnt out. running, tae kwon do, tennis. i’m full of beans for a while, for years even, and then, well, it suddenly all just seems too much. i have this fear that i might be turning off cycling in this way. today, i was just sick of everything about going fast. the pressure to keep up, to spin faster and faster, to belt away from the lights, to get in front, to take the non-existent commuter prize. i have gone through this before, a lot actually, but this afternoon i had just absolutely had enough. i rode the best i could, while fantasising about a nice platform pedalled bike, a sprung brooks saddle and a front basket. and i would ride this bike slowly to work, stopping for coffee on the way. and on the way home, i’d be chill too. it’d be as fun as ‘riding a bike’, plain and simple, which i forget to do. more and more. the only thing that worries me about ‘letting go’ is getting fat. i have tendency to soften very quickly. i do all this pushing, straining, not really to win anything but to ward off the expansion. it’s a trap. i don’t know what to do. do i go slow and wide, or fast and thin? i wish it wasn’t a choice, because i will probably choose vanity over happiness anyday. damn. oh, i’m sorry if i’ve all this before. it’s probably a bind i am going over and over and over. i get like that sometimes. a lot actually. damn. i’ll probably buck up.